9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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