Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
