So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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