I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
