A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think my tv is drunk
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
