i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
