Can i not drive my cunt home
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
