i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
