I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
