I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
