that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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