remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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