Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
