Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
