He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
