someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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