Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
