You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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