Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
