I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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