the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i barfeds in our rink
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
