does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
