He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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