Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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