She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
