i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
