there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
