you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
