I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
