I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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