I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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