I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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