He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize