May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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