Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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