Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
