I feel great
I just peed on a car
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
