Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
