I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
