I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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