You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
a search helicopter?!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
