I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
being pregnant is like rehab
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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