He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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