I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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