I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
BRING THE BAGELS
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
