i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
