i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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