I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize