You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Randomize
