My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
