textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
