Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
