Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
