Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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