eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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