And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
