I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
