on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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