..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
