That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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