I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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