he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
